The main thing is not to panic!
In May, I gave birth to my first child. Leading up to this, I received plenty of advice. The counsel ranged from "get sleep now!" to "you'll never be ready, prepare for a war zone!" and other helpful sentiments. However, it wasn't until our baby shower, where everyone was asked to jot down their best advice, that I stumbled upon my favorite from the most unexpected person: my father. While he's a great dad in many ways, dispensing advice isn't usually his forte—or so I thought. He wrote, “The main thing is not to panick” (yes he spelled panic incorrectly if that helps to paint a picture). Initially, I laughed and thought this is classic dad advice - leave the worrying to mom! Yet, the more I pondered it, the more I realized its relevance to many situations. As I grapple with the challenge of keeping a baby alive without panicking, I've come to understand how this advice applies to numerous scenarios. While helping parents navigate concerns about their teens, I often find myself preaching the same sentiment, just for very different reasons. The teenage years bring a new set of fears—teens crave independence, access to technology, and the exploration of their own identity. Did you ever imagine what your teen's future would look like when they were babies? How different is that picture now? It's likely very different, and that's okay.
When kids reach adolescence, a lot changes! The future YOU had in mind from when they were young may not align with what they want. This discrepancy between the parents and child’s vision for their life is often why we see parents panic during the adolescent years. Parents feel like they have failed when their kid wants different things from them - but YOU have not failed - your child might want something different than you envisioned and that is OK. However this is hard to accept and these conflicted feelings often are what lead parents to parent from fear.
Parenting is daunting, and it's normal to have fears. We may envision worst-case scenarios, fear our child's reactions, or worry about their failure to reach their full potential.
What does parenting from fear look like? Ask yourself - What have we been doing as parents to limit our kid’s struggle and prevent stress and disappointment? We as parents need to acknowledge the accommodating that we are doing. Think back to your kid’s childhood, what did you do to minimize struggle for them? What do you do now to minimize struggle for them? Maybe complete their homework, let them skip school on presentation day, play video games all night to avoid a fight, stop going out to eat because it is too stressful?
Fear activates the part of our brain called the amygdala and in turn our fight, flight or freeze response. Let’s take a look at which response resonates most with you. Fight - think of a bulldozer or tiger parent, ready to do whatever it takes to protect your child and remove all obstacles or struggles from their path. Flight - giving in to your child, accommodating or enabling them. Freeze - making excuses, ignoring the problem or shutting down when dealing with them. Your fear is real and understandable, but responding based on fear is not helpful. Recognizing these responses is the first step to be able to parent from love rather than fear.
You can only control yourself and your own reactions, there is no magic wand. However, there are some concrete steps that can be taken to get out of the parenting from fear zone and into the parenting from love zone.
Would you like to learn more about how to parent from love? Visit my contact page and simply type“parenting from love” on the submission form. I will share a free step by step guide to your email OR you can choose to schedule a free intro call and we can go over your concerns together.
Remember, you are the parent, you have the power and you can choose to start the positive changes in your household you desire. You are never alone, I am here for you.
Warmly,
Alexis
