Lighthouse Parenting - How to be the light in your child’s life
As a school counselor, it's common for conversations with parents to kick off like this: "Hello, Mrs. Jordan, I'm concerned about my kid’s grades." From there, it can go a few different ways. "Is there any extra credit they can do? Can you talk to the teacher? What can you do to help them get back on track? They are not motivated at all, and I don’t know how to get them to do their work."
What do you think the problem is with these questions? If you didn’t notice, the commonality here is that they don't hold the student accountable. All of these questions put the responsibility on the teacher, counselor or parent, but it is the student who is of concern here. This is a great example of a moment where parents easily become helicopters, bulldozers or bribers, despite their best intentions.
A phrase that sums up this problem perfectly is - “Serve NOT Save”. This is a phrase to repeat to yourself over and over again if you are a parent or educator. I owe this mantra to a wonderful nonprofit group called All It Takes, which champions student leadership and wellness in the public school system. Their program is built on this phrase because of how often us adults want to swoop in and fix everything! We don’t enjoy watching kids suffer or struggle, right? However, struggle is key to positive development and growth.
So, how can we Serve instead of Save? Consider the analogies we often hear about parents today—bulldozers or helicopters. These are parents who either clear away every obstacle in their child's path or hover over them, ensuring no mistakes are made. In doing so, our youth are missing out on real-life lessons; parents are shielding their children from life’s challenges and hindering their growth. When these kids encounter problems in the future, they will not be prepared to handle them. Now, think of a lighthouse - a light used to guide ships to safety. Lighthouse parents guide their children without removing obstacles, acting as beacons to help them find the right path. They serve their children by allowing them to make mistakes and face challenges, while offering support and guidance along the way. Their kids might hit a couple rocks, but they will remember those mistakes and most importantly learn better ways to navigate them in the future.
Being a lighthouse parent doesn't mean letting your child do whatever they want—that'd be too simple! It's actually much more challenging because it requires patience, understanding, and managing your own emotions. You might be wondering, "How do I use this parenting style to help my child? I'm still really worried about them."
First, take a breath! Adolescence doesn't necessarily define your child’s future. It's essential to check in with yourself first: What were you like at this age? Why is this matter so important to you? Are you comparing to other families? Do you have a particular future in mind for your child? Whatever the reason, understanding why it's important to you, especially if it's not as crucial to your child at this stage, is key. Ask your child what's important to them and really listen. One of students biggest reasons for improving their grades is that they want to make their parents proud. They most likely won’t tell you that unless given the opportunity to share.
Here is an example of how to address the classic “grades problem” without saving your child.
Step 1: Create a shared SMART goal. This goal should be co-created and feel realistic for the child, not only the adult. Additionally, a SMART goal is specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and timely. Rather than setting a goal like all As and Bs, drill it down to something more specific which focuses on building a skill that can be measured in a certain timeframe. Have a discussion about which skills your teen needs to improve, such as completing homework, studying for tests, or seeing the teacher for help to better understand the material; then make that the goal. This should include their own input. For instance, “I will see the math teacher for help once a week after school and complete all of my homework on time for the next month.” This type of support is educating your student to help themselves rather than you stepping in and saving them from the situation. Of course this is easier said than done, but remember you are a lighthouse, here to guide the way.
Step 2: You completed the step above, but your child is not sticking to the plan, shocker! Your child insists he is done with his homework and now he is playing video games with his friends. What do you do? Set clear expectations and boundaries. Boundaries are crucial! If they love playing video games, you could set a boundary like, "Once all your homework is finished, then you can play video games for one hour. If I find out your homework isn't done and your grades haven't improved by (insert date here), video games will be removed until you can earn them back." This not only keeps your teen accountable, but also holds you accountable to the boundary you've set. Once set, you must stick to it, or your child will see your words as meaningless. It is helpful to schedule weekly check-ins with your child to review their assignments together, remind them of this agreement and offer support if needed. This might include “all homework is completed by 9 pm” or “show me exactly what you worked on and explain the assignment to me”. Be prepared for emotional reactions if this is your first time setting a boundary, but it is key to providing your teen’s learning brain the support it needs to reach the agreed upon goal.
Step 3: Support your child by helping them develop the skills they may be lacking. It's easy to take life skills like time management, organization, or listening for granted. Adolescents' brains are still developing, and they need guidance. If your child is struggling after setting expectations and boundaries, here are some conversation starters to help:
"I notice you're still ___ (missing assignments, struggling in math). What do you think is getting in your way? Can you walk me through what's going on? Is there someone who could help?"
"I want to help you reach your goal of ___. What ideas do you have to help yourself? Is there anything I can do to assist? Would you be open to more support?"
"I care about you, and we're sticking to the expectation. Let's figure out what we can do to help you reach the goal we set. Would you prefer to talk to me or someone at school to create a plan?"
Lighthouse parents are deeply involved in their child's life, but they don't remove obstacles or solve problems for them; instead, they support them through challenges and guide them to find their own solutions. Some kids might need more support than others, but the important thing is giving them the chance to try on their own first, using their own ideas to solve their problems. Your role is to listen, build on their strengths, offer support and provide clear boundaries and expectations. Learning from failure is what adolescence is all about, and if we take that away from our kids, they'll struggle more later on.
Lastly, remember you're not alone in this. Lean on your partner, family, school community, and anyone else who can help. Teens often prefer talking to other adults as they strive for independence. Instead of taking it personally, understand it's normal and healthy. If you feel you and your teen could benefit from additional support, don't hesitate to reach out. I'm here to answer questions and provide resources or referrals to best suit your family's needs.
Good luck, and remember, you have the power to be a lighthouse whenever you need!
Serve not Save
